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First Shark: A guy made an assassination attempt on Trump at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Second Shark: A guy with a firearm made it an entire floor away from the huge room containing Trump. First Shark: This is why the White House needs a ballroom! For security! Second Shark: The WHCD's been held close to a hundred times since 1921 and has never had a security problem and also has never been an official White House event. First Shark: Good thing the brave members of the Secret Service acted so quickly. Second Shark: Wait until you hear who fired the only round that hit anybody.

NEW COMIC TWO OR THREE TIMES A WEEK, OR WHEN THE MOOD STRIKES

I don't want to downplay any assassination attempt however half-assed. (Trump, on the other hand, would rather inflate the importance of assassination attempts. "I hate to say I'm honored by that," he says, perhaps not remembering such luminaries as William McKinley and James Garfield.) Violence never solved anything. Except for all the things it did solve, like ending slavery and getting out from under King George III and...oh hell you think of some. But I want to state without reservation that the assassination of Donald Trump would be bad. I want him on trial at the International Criminal Court, not martyred.

I also think we need to stop saying this was staged. At best it was allowed to happen, but probably not even that. The speed with which the fascists coalesced around the message "This is why we need the ballroom!" isn't conspiracy, it's good organization.

The "gunman" -- who evidently did not fire a weapon at any point -- didn't really get close to Trump or any other dignitary. This is a story with a happy ending! Not sure why it's such big news. We barely heard about the guy stalking Trump at his golf course. Did you know he's already been sentenced? I don't even know his name!