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Alligator: Some people think that the natural resources of the United States should be controlled by a small handful of very distant bureaucrats located in Washington. Local families and communities know and love this land the best, and you know the best how to take care of your land. Alligator: The laws of the United States hold that corporations are legally people. Alligator: Today, we are transferring power from Washington, D.C. and giving it back to you, the people. Alligator: The United States Supreme Court further held that money is legally speech. Alligator: Public lands will once again be for public use because we know that people who are free to use their land and enjoy their land are the people most determined to conserve their land. Alligator: The people here being the corporations with the deepest pockets -- ahem, loudest voices.

NEW COMIC TUESDAYS AND FRIDAYS AND WHEN THE MOOD STRIKES

In his continuing quest to undo everything Obama ever did, Trump decided to unprotect more federal land than has ever been unprotected before. Almost everyone thinks this is a bad idea, except, of course, the assholes running extractive industries, who are naturally determined to wreck as much of the planet as possible while getting rich as possible.

Trump tried to rephrase his stolen supervillain speech from the inauguration but this is no populist victory; thanks to corporate personhood and a series of boneheaded Supreme Court decisions culminating in Citizens United and McCutcheon v. FEC, the "people" who will be "enjoying" these formerly public lands will be energy companies headed by rapacious oligarchs.